Why?

 ...

Not all prayers are answered, 

we don't always get what we want, 

good things don't always happen to those who wait, 

the universe doesn't always conspire to help us have what we want, no matter how hard we want it, 

Not everything happens for a reason, 

things don't always go as planned,

 you don't always get what you give, 

ways don't always show up even if you have the will, 

everything that happens may not always be for the good, 

and it's not always the good people who die first.

...

“God must be doing cocaine” plays on my Spotify.

“ ..can anyone really blame him? He probably needs an escape…”

I don't forgive you

 

While i had my head on your chest, 

i was finally at rest.

I was home. 

 

You told me you cared, 

for what was to happen though,

i wasn't prepared

 

We exchanged heartbeats 

All my fears took a backseat

 

One look into your eyes, 

I saw a familiar sunrise

 

You told me to trust you, 

I plucked my heart right out of my chest,

And gave it to you

 

You smelled of mountains and beaches and everything nice,

Took me on that night drive

And even cooked for me, twice

Twice! 

 

You were warm, a place i knew i belonged, 

like the sky after the storm, 

God, you were an art form. 

 

Said, people you loved, always left, 

I wanted to prove you wrong, 

Or maybe i just wanted a reason to stay. 

(I liked your hands)

 

Did it all mean nothing to you or

are you running away from this as well?

 

You must be in that shell,

While you put me through hell

 

Did you just want me gone?

Should've said and i wouldn't have stayed this long

 

I asked you to bleed onto me

Or is it only barbells and dumb bells that gets to see you that way? 

 

I tell myself  'you' never happened

But you make sure to sting me at every memory

and that's every time i breathe

(Did you even care at all?)

 

You were never mine,

So guess I have no right to whine

I was told to write while it was still ripe, 

nah, i wont need a pipe, 

just the night. 

 

Will I ever be able to stop writing about you

Or are you going to keep haunting me

In ways new?

 

Atleast 'i tried' to hold you tight 

though my palms bled, 

i didn't want to leave, 

just yet.

 

Who hurt you?

I hope you do realize that you were the first person to 

ever break my heart

 

and that no one else will probably do it better than you.

 

 

I hope you realize that I had given this power to no 

teenage boys and that

 

you had alone held responsibility over something as 

fragile as this heart.

 

 

You reminded me of everything I could never become.

 

You were perfect, and I was far from it.

 

 

 

I was never enough for you.

 

You were easy to love but hard to please.

 

 

I hope you do realize that I still haven't been able to 

stomach the fact that

 

our relationship is beyond repair and that this too,

 

shall be piled away in one of those dusty corners of our 

minds,

 

unattended and forgotten over time.

 

 

It's like a lump in my throat.

 

I can't swallow or spit.

 

 

Sometimes, I wish you'd tell me to my face that

 

I no longer mean anything to you, so that

 

I could live this life trying to hate you. I repeat, trying to.

 

You know I could never. You had become too much a part of me

by blood.

 

 

Cause let me remind you in case  you've forgotten

 

Life is a sadistic bitch.

 

 

You never really noticed me.

 

you saw right through me.

 

you looked at everything but 

what was standing in front of you.

 

 

You gave me just enough to keep me hooked on.

 

You knew the balance perfectly.

 

 

You made me feel I could never be loved when it was 

just because you did not want to.

 

You deprived me of water, made me forget, I was an 

ocean.

 

Made me wonder if you hadn’t been loved as a child,

 

or if you were drowned with the same.

 

Your smile was rare, never with me

as though you were reminding me

something I don't know

yet, had forgotten. 

You punished me with every look

as though I had committed a crime.

guess you found pleasure

in seeing me trying to read through your eyes. 

 

You gave me secrets,

 

I grew my hair.

 

 

You gave scars,

 

I wore them like jewelry, on every inch of my body.

 

Always wondered why you hid your own.

 

 

Break

Never has a night felt shorter before

You peaceful in your side of the bed, reading Rumi

Something in my chest tightened as I closed the door

Can these 5 years ever be restored?

That warm sweater still so cherished, 

Was that a sign she wants to be together? 

I always knew what she wanted

Her eyes spoke what she pondered. 

Why not anymore? 

I pictured myself running towards her

Her cheeks turn red as I near

What if she doesn't want to be left alone?

Or maybe she just wants me gone.

Glad I closed the door and let her be

I needed to engage in a soliloquy 

and maybe so did she. 

I sat on the hammock outside

Why does it feel like I've taken cyanide? 

How do I keep my thoughts occupied 

No, there's no way I can let this slide. 

My parents adored her

Never was there a life which was better

When along these years did I forget her? 

Maybe since she started talking about Peter. 

I defend myself. 

Where did it all go wrong? 

Can these passing hours prolong? 

Have we run out of love?

I see a bird, is that a dove? 

She hated it when I smoked

I always took it as a joke 

Was this because I didn't help fold clothes? 

Or didn't surprise her with a rose? 

Is now too late to say sorry?

Why does everything feel so blurry? 

Why have I suddenly started to worry? 

Why and for what was I in a hurry? 

I wonder if there's still time to make amends

Starting to feel something intense

What's gon happen tomorrow 

Remorse? Divorce? Is that what we need?

Lacuna

 

Not many may agree to this but, 

Unrequited love throws you into an eternal abyss. 

Mere thoughts of someone you can't have,

Haunts you in a way nothing shall salve. 

You say you love me, 

What kind of love do you guarantee? 

You know what it is that I want, 

Heard you speak about this to your aunt. 

Yet you act naive and make me heave. 

You enjoy this and say something's amiss.

You know your smile's my drug, 

And I drink it like slow poison in a mug. 

There's something about your eyes, 

That make me see myself drown.  

There you are, probably asleep, 

Between the folds of your blanket. 

With no idea what you've put me through

ever since I found your anklet. 

I heard you loved the rain, 

Never since have i slept during a storm again. 

You loved tragedy and mystery 

Hence justifies my agony. 

You loved demons and believed in monsters. 

Then why not this beast? 

Do you even know I exist? 

You say there's something that lurked in the dark, 

Something that makes you quiver and shiver, 

You say you know what it is, yet you don't. 

What if I told you those were my thirsty eyes? 

Do you like it when you know

there's someone, longing for you at night?

I bet you do. That's why this trauma. 

How have I not slipped into a coma?

Forgive my stare, i don't mind a glare. 

I can't help it, I swear. 

What you're doing is not fair. 

You put me in despair. 

Something calm and chaotic at the same time.

Here

I know it's hard but 

don't you mourn my gone. 

I still love you, 

And you alone I do. 

My cheeks have your palms carved,

I'm  hungry and starved.

And my heart know not where it belongs, 

Anywhere else, not with you, seems wrong.

I tasted heaven on earth, 

Probably will again for my rebirth.

Even the gods envy me, 

For having loved such a deity.

Stop killing me with those melancholic eyes, 

The god of death did to me no nice. 

Is death seperation, 

Or is it just another vindication? 

I shall come again to see that smile, 

That smile, worth a thousand miles. 

You on your unmade matress, 

You seem to be in distress. 

Your hair braided loosely, 

Your lips pink and juicy

Stop turning those pages, 

Of that diary you had since ages. 

I'm drowning in your tears, 

And it's making me fierce. 

How sad you look, why not go cook

That stomach's been rumbling, 

Yearning for a dumpling

Frendy perfume on your table, 

Oh how much you love fables. 

A half drunk glass of wine, 

Just like how I'd like to have mine. 

For how long will you reread my letters? 

Aren't there more important matters? 

Find me among the stars 

I'm certainly not in mars. 

Look for me 

In your favorite broken vase

The one that made you question

If life was a maze. 

That novel with ripped pages, 

Has my soul from its different stages. 

I'm trapped in that song you're listening, 

Yet you cry to the rain, that's drizzling. 

Tell me love, can my death seperate us? 

I'll be here, with a beer, 

And will appear, when you fear, 

Always near, to my dear, 

never will I dissappear.

Void

 

When everything

you have held onto all these years, 

comes out in the form of tears;

There is nothing you can control

But the cigarette that you roll. 

Friends who promised

Lovers who kissed... 

You look for company

But don't find any. 

One glance at alcohol,  

you don't want to open the same hole

now buried deep;

There, nothing else you can keep. 

No one quite bothers, 

Not even your brothers 

why your pillow is always wet;

You certainly don't own a fish net. 

Mama complains your room is always shut

"Come out and let's share these nuts."

"Leave me alone", you mourn.

"That child is possessed." they frown. 

Is to be loved something asked too much? 

Is a hug too much for a touch? 

Nothing makes sense

Or have I lost my sense? 

Why am I always angry? 

Maybe coz I'm hungry; 

Yet not hungry for food,

I'd say, if I may. 

Aren't we all broken

One way or the other, shaken? 

Is it the past

Or everything moving too fast? 

People change, I remind myself

If there's anything that doesn't, 

it's your bookshelf

and a pathetic self. 

Who is that in the mirror? 

It certainly ain't the me, I remember. 

Hold on, you hear a voice, 

For how long, you whisper to the void.